Here goes nothing

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."–Chinese Proverb.
 

Oh how I wish I would have known that quote about oh...maybe a month and a half ago. My turning point, what made me really realize that I do have problems with this was when my parents were here visiting.
Andrew and I got into a fight about something trivial, and he stormed off to bed. I got angry and I went in after him. I smacked him on the head and screamed "that's for being a dick head to me" at him. He wanted to leave, to cool down so he wouldn't hit me. Well I wasn't letting him because in my past I had relationships where the guy would leave just to go see another girl if he got angry at me. Andrew pushed me off of him and I slid down the foot post of the bed. I screamed at him, and my dad heard, and needless to say he got involved. It turned into a stand off, and eventually Andrew and I calmed down enough to go for a ride and talk. I apologized to him for my behavior, and he told me if I ever hit him again that was it, we were getting a divorce. 
That gave me a shock to the system. I realized that I needed to find a way to help myself so I wouldn't lose this amazing man who, for whatever reason, loves me to death. Mind you, he picks and picks at me, but that is no reason for me to not take a step back and breathe.
I want to change for me, because I'm so sick of holding all this anger, and for him because I want him to know I do care.

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." – Louis L'Armour.

Andrew has told me that I need to stop letting the past rule me and accept that he loves me, and isn't like the others. I've found that it gets harder to let go, the more I try to sort through it and find what exactly my problem is. I know some of it, mostly the anxiety part, has to do with the Marine Corps, but I was going to therapy to help me fix all of it. What light was shed during my short time there, really did help. Apparently on top of all this angry anxious turmoil in my head, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what the VA calls "military sexual trauma," but that's something I'm not ready to "accept" on my blog.
I guess it boils down to my help now has to be self help. I long for the day when I can let Ico and Copper play fight and not lose my mind because they are annoying me. Or when I'm cleaning and I don't get pissed because I'm getting hot, or get frustrated with Andrew because he is poking at me just the right way.
I can experience peace whenever I choose, and this too shall pass, I've heard those alot. My grandmother would probably kick my ass if she knew how bad this was getting me. My grandmother is a strong woman and I wish I took after her more. I wish I wasn't so weak.
I don't want this to rule me, but it does. I see all these inspiring things and I wonder why that can't be me, why can't I make progress? Is the key to progress what all those doctors say, to pump myself full of medication? I sure as hell hope not, because then I'll never get better.
I've been avoiding angry music, which sucks, because I love Rammstein and SlipKnot, but no one really knows if that is connected to anger problems, so I'll take the precaution.
Sad thing, pounding the pavement (or treadmill) seems to help, I run until I can taste metal in my mouth. But I can only do that once a week because my hips will kill me.
You know, I hate it when people bitch and moan about their lives, I hate seeing those facebook status that say "oh I hate my life" and what not, and right now I feel like that's exactly how I'm acting.
Of course, it would all be easier if I wasn't talking to myself. Andrew barely listens to me, and he has flat out told me this. That's part of my problem, I know he doesn't listen and so I keep everything inside, and it just bottles itself tight until maybe he forgets to take out the trash and I completely explode with the rage of a thousand suns because of everything from before that incident.

“My past is nothing more than the trail that I have left behind. What drives my life today is the energy that I generate in my present moments.” - Unknown

Here are the "simple steps" to help me cope with my anger...

No. 1: Take a timeout

Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit.

No. 2: Once you're calm, express your anger

As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

No. 3: Get some exercise

Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other favorite physical activities. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out.

No. 4: Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

No. 5: Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything, and might only make it worse.

No. 6: Stick with 'I' statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes," instead of, "You never do any housework."

No. 7: Don't hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.

No. 8: Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

No. 9: Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

No. 10: Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling.
(http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102/NSECTIONGROUP=2)
I'm going to leave these lyrics here because it tells exactly how I feel with Andrew:

Hanging by a Moment

Lifehouse

 

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment
I'm hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment here with you